It's going to go one of two ways..

Deciding between a mother who has a biological connection and a mother who loves you unconditionally is a lot harder than it may seem. Every one I've asked has a clear, clean view of what I should do. On one hand you can work, pay half the rent, possibly give up the sobriety you worked for for so long, throw yourself into a world you had tried so hard to get out of, give your life to save someone else's, give up everything you have.. but it's your mother who you'll love no matter what terrible things she's done to you in the past. It's your mother who you need to matter who steps in to take care of you. It's your mother who will always have a special place in your heart. It's your mother who fills a void. That's something you can't explain - something you don't even understand yourself. On the other hand, you have two wonderful parents who love you, who want you to go to college, who attend your cheerleading competitions, who would do anything for you, who give you lunch money, who read to you at night because you'd never heard children's stories, who hold you when you have nightmares, who make emergency counseling trips at one in the morning, who would die for you. But they aren't your mother. It's not that they're not good enough. They're better than you deserve. You shouldn't have it that well. You don't belong there. You belong with your real mother, working yourself, trying to make your way in the world, and if you end up failing, that's what's supposed to happen. You're only as good as where you came from. This is my dilemma.

God placed a very important person in my life to show me what He wants me to see. She has made so many things clear, including the fact that I don't want to lose her. I love her so much that I cannot even put it into words. Because of her, the Lord places nine people in my life - all Godly people - telling me that one of my choices were extremely dangerous. After I made a decision to leave, I began praying. I prayed so hard. I prayed that I'd make the right decision. I prayed that I'd have peace. I prayed that I wouldn't lose those I love. I had a feeling the the pit of my stomach - a scary feeling. One that said if I left it wouldn't be long until that person I loved would be at my funeral. A feeling that said I would have to kiss my safety goodbye. A feeling that said I was pleasing Satan and displeasing the Lord. I feeling that said I needed to change my mind. So, I did.

Because of the change in decisions,  I have lost someone - someone extremely important to me. I'm hoping, however, that Jesus will show Himself in her life and that she will accept His love and forgiveness. All I can do is pray now and put this is His hands. I have seven months until I turn eighteen; what a scary thought.

Lord, take over. Watch over me and keep me safe. Help me make the right decisions. Keep waking me up in the morning.

Now, a rehab ritual:

"We put our right foot forward for the direction we're headed and our left foot back for all the bullshit we left behind. With an addict to my right and an addict to my left, may the ties that bind us together be stronger than those that tear us apart. May we please have a moment for the still sick and suffering addicts and the babies being born with this hideous disease without a choice.

Who woke us up this morning?

God,

grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Your will, not ours be done.

Keep coming back 'cause it works if you work it, so work it 'cause you're worth it. Don't die. Live.

Amen.