I don't answer, just squeeze her hand a little tighter. I'm shaking so badly I have no choice but to kick the wall barrier separating the three of us from a realm power and alleged justice. I tell myself that deep breaths will get me through and I choose a focal point in the room as if it will help to hold me together. My emotions are changing like the seasons which hightens my overall alertness to anything and everything. I begin wondering if my foot is making too much noise for the circumstance. I'd give anything not to draw attention to myself at this moment in time. Jami reaches over and lays her hand on my shaking leg. I take it as a sign to quiet down although she easily could be trying to use this gesture solely as a comfort.
As the man in the front of the room rambles on about obviously important concepts, I try not to zone out. However, my mind is running at ten million thoughts per minute and I cannot stay focused. I take a quick glance at mom and realize that she's thinking too. Deep breaths. Everytime she squeezes my hand I wonder if it is triggered by a thought of hers or by something the man in charge said. I'm not listening close enough to figure it out so I let it roll off my back as my mind continues to wander. I get this feeling in my chest that I can't breathe due to tightening. My heart feels like it's going to beat out of my chest and drop to my stomach all at the same time. I hope I never have to feel this way again.
Suddenly, I hear a whimpering noise from a couple rows back, diagonally positioned to the left. There are few people in this anxiety-filled room, and I recognize the voice so it is far from difficult to decide from whom the noise belongs without looking. My eyes close unwillingly as I try to remember what possessed me to go through with this whole ordeal in the first place. I am too fearful to look back to see if there are real tears so I lean over to my right.
"Is she crying?" I ask, with my grandmother in mind.
"No," Jami says covertly, "but I thought I heard her too."
Relieved, I adjust my body as furtively as possible. How much longer is this going to last? My ears are overcome with the loud sigh of alleviation from close proximities. The rest of the room is silent. I am quickly urged out of my seat and pushed through the room into a slightly familiar office.
"It's over," mom cries, her eyes filled with tears. I am speechless. "It's over," she repeats. "You don't have to do it anymore. It's over."
I hug her back firmly. Jami is standing behind mom looking at me with nothing but joy. I am far beyond the state of confusion. I want to ask what just happened but I already know. I open my mouth to speak but nothing becomes of it. I close my eyes in an attempt to gather my thoughts. I re-open them, not allowing myself enough time to think. Tears flow down my face. There is something different about these tears though. They are joyous tears and I've never cried happy tears before in my life. I close my eyes again, lie my head on mom's shoulder while still hugging, and give in to this newly found state of shock.
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