Smoking the pain away..

Suck it in, deep into your lungs. Allow it to overwhelm your body. Feel the rush take over. That rebel feeling controls you now, that, and the sweet smell of tobacco. The nicotine is your best friend. It helps you to control yourself, to keep going, to lower your stress, to relax you. The only thing that tops this is the sensation of losing control, getting drunk, and sometimes, that’s not a choice anymore. Sometimes when you’re a Christian, attempting to do the right thing, after rehab, in recovery. Sometimes, when you feel guilty for picking up a wine glass, touching a beer, even just considering getting wasted, or maybe just the slightest bit tipsy. And even though you feel guilty picking up the cigarette, pulling the lighter out of your pocket, puffing it to jumpstart the sin, and sucking the sweet mood-altering substance into your lungs, you do it; because you feel as if it’s the lesser of all the evils you have to choose from. Each puff enhancing your mental state, worsening your physical state, building you up, and breaking you down all at the same time, in the same moment, in the same breath, in the same huff. 

You know you’ve let them down, you know they’re disappointed. You hate it, every single piece of it, every single fact, every single sin. However, you pray they understand that it’s better than slicing your skin open, watching yourself bleed, regretting it immediately. It’s better than taking that poison that you paid so much for, too much for, whether it’s by money or by selling things that should never belong to anyone else, such as yourself. It’s better than drinking until you can’t function, until you do things you’d never do above the influence, until you don’t remember your name, or more importantly, your values; Drinking until your reality becomes black and somehow, you’re still functioning but will soon forget it all, when the world catches up with you and you realize how deep of a hole you’ve dug yourself into. It’s better than calling him up, sneaking him in, allowing his desires to control you in an extremely unhealthy attempt to fix your life, fix your spirit, build you up. You kept looking aimlessly. But you aren’t doing that anymore. You’re only allowing that cigarette to help you, to be your crutch, you carrying you through the good times and pull you through the bad. You just hope and pray they understand. But do they? That’s the real question. 

If not, you’re even more of a disappointment than you thought. If so, at least they’re practicing what they preach – unconditional love. You want to believe they won’t give you away but in the back of your mind, your appalling past holds on to the concept that no one wants you, no one cares. Keep messing up, you’ll see whether you’re right or the people who controlled your past were. The problem is, you don’t want to take it that far; you don’t really want to find out because you’re afraid of the truth. You want to continue, or begin, to do the right thing as much of the time as possible. For some reason, it doesn’t matter; it doesn’t happen. Your mistakes, your flaws, your imperfections, your misconceptions – they take over. They seem to be the new you. No longer can you pick out the good in yourself. No longer can you see your advantages, your talents, your successes, and all you have to offer the world. How can you develop the world when you can’t develop yourself? What kind of positive effect could you possibly have on the world? None. At least that’s what you believe.