The "F" Word...

Lately, I've been thinking about my future or, as I like to refer to it, the "f" word. That's right; it may as well be a curse word. It's a scary thing that puts me right back in the mindset of an addict in active addiction. It's a powerful thing that rips my dreams to shreds with threats of life on life's terms. As it turns out, addicts like me aren't necessarily good at dealing with life on life's terms. Go figure.

I turned away from my dreams of going on to law school - for a couple reasons. (1) The type of law I'd choose to practice would require me moving to a big city. Maybe some people could handle that but I'm not a city gal. (2) Law school = parties. Being the recovering addict/alcoholic that I am, I don't think I could handle that. (3) There are careers that better suit my personality. Lawyers sometimes have to do the dirty work. While I'm good at that, I'm trying to turn away from that lifestyle.


Instead, I've decided to pursue drug & alcohol counseling - preferably working at a rehab center. This is where I got my start to a brand new way of life and I'd love to help others see the value of sobriety as well. This profession would be perfect for me for a number of reasons. (1) It would get me outside of myself - helping others. Taking the focus off of me and my problems is exactly what I need. (2) It would constantly enforce the program that keeps me alive and well. My choices would be to either practice my program, working the steps, keeping my job or to be a hypocrite, relapse, keep reservations, and lose my job. 

Just like any other teenager, I can't wait to be on my own - get out of the house, go off to college. However, just like any other addict, I am incapable of doing all the things that "normal" people do. I don't feel like the college experience will do me good, although there are pros and cons to everything. Getting out of my town would do so many things for me. It would allow me to meet new people, forget my connections, and get away from the triggers that haunt me here. However, it would also leave me without an accountability partner(s), take me far from home - from my family, and give me a more than slim chance to hit up the drugs and alcohol.  


My hopes for the future are to get a degree, pursue my career as a drug & alcohol counselor, meet the right man, fall in love, and have kids. In order to do all, or any, of this, my first priority has to be my sobriety - my recovery.


While I'm worried about my future and terrified that I may make the mistake that ruins all my plans, I do have to thank my amazing support and Jesus. Without them, I'd be nowhere and going nowhere. Before sobriety, my dreams had been forgotten - placed so far in the back of my mind, along with my values. They were placed so far back, in fact, that bartending, prostitution, drug dealing.. it all entered my mind as possible career choices. Whatever I had to do to get that next fix; consider it done. Now, however, all that is gone. My dignity, values, dreams, hopes - they've all been restored. What is so terrifying to me is that I know that at any given time they can be taken again. The first time I pick up, it's all gone.

My biggest dream is to be a mother - a successful mother. I come from a huge family and I've taken care of children all my life. They make me happy. I love to watch them grow and be all that they can be. My biggest fear, however, is that my kids will become addicts or alcoholics. It is so important that I work my program with absolutely no reservations whatsoever so that I can set the example they need. While genetics play an enormous role in the disease of addiction, environment plays and even bigger role. In fact, I believe that had I been raised in a different situation, I would not be a addict or an alcoholic regardless of my gene pool. Either way, it can't be changed. All I can do is instill the values in my babies that need to be there, teach them, share horror stories if that's what they need to hear, and God forbid, if they ever to find addiction, I need to be there for them. 


While "future" can be a curse word, it can also be a precious dream just waiting to be fulfilled. With the Lord and my support by my side, I know I can accomplish anything I set my mind to. I need not forget who I am, though. I will always be an addict and an alcoholic. I need to remember that every moment for the rest of my life I will be fighting addiction. I need to know that the smallest amount of any drug - any drink - can shatter my life faster than hell. But most importantly, I need to remember that I only have to take this one day at a time and I never have to do it alone.


Just for today, my future will not scare me away. I will embrace it and know that I have potential. 


Until next time, God bless!