Heroin..

Is it even possible to have a craving for something you've never had before? I'm not sure, but that's where I'm at. Heroin: one of the only drugs I've never had in my system. Don't get me wrong, I crave other things: alcohol, cigarettes, cocaine, and even sex. But craving something you've never had. Weird.

Maybe I just crave the escape, the numbness, the absence of thought. Maybe I just crave the feeling of injecting something into my veins, snorting powder up my nose. Maybe I just need to be tied to the past. Maybe it's Satan grabbing a hold of my foot and pulling just a little at a time. Maybe I'm more sucidal than I thought I was. After all, heroin is a death wish. Instant addiction, instant death, overdose.

You would think that Heroine's overdose would keep me from craving. I wish it did but it doesn't. I feel so powerless to the addiciton, life, Satan. I feel so powerless to everything: like relapse is inevitable - sooner or later. I feel so trapped, pushed into a corner. Honestly, who craves something so bad that they know has the potential to take them out with one shot? I do. Addicts do.

I'm coming up on six months clean and lately it's been relapse city around here. Hopefully, I will make it to my six months. We have a little party planned and everything. I want to make it. I really do. I want to stay clean, want to keep counting, don't want to relapse. "May the ties that bind us together be stronger than those that tear us apart."

Until next time, God bless!