NA is my family..

My NA family - the best support that a recovering addict could ask for. These people are the ones who keep me going. The few that keep me sane. Those who can finish my sentences and know exactly what I'm saying with my eyes. The ones who can open their arms without judgement, who can breathe a sigh of relief for me when I just bypass relapse, the ones who can clap like thunder when I'm one more day clean. These are the people who keep my heart beating.

There has been more than one thing that I've learned in the past couple 24 hours - especially when I'm in the rooms. I've learned that relapse is not shameful. What is shameful is when you don't come straight back to the rooms or you are dishonest about your relapse. I learned that fighting an addiciton really is a 24 hour job. I learned that not only do I have a hard time of getting in the mindset of non-addicts, they have a hard time putting themselves in my shoes as well. Just as it's unfathomable for me to be free of an addiction, it is also unfathomable for them to be bound down by something so little that exerts so much power over you.

I learned what "love & respect" really means. I learned that the phone list they give you isn't just a coaster; I learned to use it. Most of all, I've learned that no matter what dirty, shameful, disgusting things I've done to feed my addiction, my fellow addicts have done it too. This proves to me that it's the addiction that makes me dirty, not my dirtiness that caused the addiciton.

It doesn't matter if I've slept for drugs or money, if I've danced, if I've hurt someone. It doesn't matter if I've driven under the influence, stayed out too late, put myself in extremely dangerous situations. It doesn't matter if I risked those kids' lives, risked my own. It doesn't matter that I attempted suicide, cursed God, cut myself to pieces. It doesn't matter that I swallowed a handful of pills and chased it with vodka. It doesn't matter than I snuck my drink into school in a water bottle.

None of these things matter. Why? Because my fellow addicts have done it all as well. It's the addiction that make us bad people; really bad people. But, that's all in my past. I'm at the point in my life where I'm making amends, fixing things, turning it all around.

Until next time, God bless!