The relapse before the relapse..

When I walk into the rooms, I feel and overwhelming amount of love, respect, and understanding. Something I'm not used to feeling - none of us in the rooms are. We are learning to give and recieve what we've always been yearning for. It's a beautiful thing when one addict can help another without expecting anything in return. Even more beautiful is when a chain reaction begins and the message is carried to the addicts still suffering - when they realize that they are not destined to live a life of addiction. They are entitled to recovery too, and it can save their lives. "If you want what we have, do what we do." -Big Book.

Point blank -this is a hideous disease! It is the only illness that tells you that you aren't sick. It lies to you, steals from you, it kicks you when you're down. It tells you that your enemies are your friends and that your friends are your enemies. It fills your head with lies and makes you look like a terrible person. People dispise you because of your addiction. The only people who do fully understand you are fellow addicts.

When you're at the point of the relapse before the relapse - the emotional relapse - you have to surround yourself with fellow addicts. I'm only speaking from experience. That's where I am now: the relapse before the relapse. Here are some signs of relapse that you should be watching for. I'll be sure to let you know which ones I'm experiencing.

• Change in attitude - your recovery just isn't as important as it was before.
• Elevated stress level - it could be a major change or a gradual build up.
• Reactivation of denial - you're no longer denying that you have a drug and/or alcohol problem. You are denying that the stress is getting to you.
• Showing postactue withdrawl symptoms - such as anxiety, depression, sleeplessness, or memory loss.
• Behavior change - You may begin practicing avoidance or recognize yourself becoming defensive in many situations.
• Social breakdown - put simply: isolation.
• Loss of structure - you completely abandon all the routine and structure that you developed in early recovery.
• Loss of judgement - you begin making unhealthy decisions.
• Loss of control - you begin making irrational choices.
• Loss of options - you limit your options and stop attending meetings.

And finally, there's relapse. That's where you attempt to try some "controlled using." Good luck with that.

So, this is where I am. I've experienced a change in attiude, an elevated stress level, denial, behavior change, social breakdown, a loss of structure, a loss of judgement, and a loss of options. But, in order to keep myself from hitting relapse, I am staying with my sponsor, constantly talking to her, and I'm actually being escorted to my classes.

This turned into a rant about relapse. I'm sincerely sorry about that. My next post is going to be all about the amazing fellowship in NA and AA - the fellowship that helps to keep me sane.

Until next time, God bless. Stay safe.